I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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