A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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