I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
