drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
