1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
