Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Let's get the cat blown out
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
