We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
