Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
