Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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