Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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