Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"