I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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