i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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