I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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