im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
