My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
