Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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