My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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