stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
