the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
