She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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