Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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