literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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