had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
