She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
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I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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