Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
