my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sorry about my life...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
