My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
