i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
