he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
