The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
