like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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