My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
