Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
