Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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