I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
