Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Holy sore nipples Batman
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
