I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My feet surprised me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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