Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize