Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I love having hate sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
