In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
