you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did I show you my penis last night?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
