I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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