you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
