I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
