I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
