I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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