ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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