12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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