I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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