Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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