Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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