twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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