Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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