this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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