can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
