i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
