waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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